800

my sat subject scores were perfect =)

that's about the only good thing to happen today. in fact, that's probably a sign that i should just study.

"I'm jealous because you're going to your girlfriend"

i could dig a hole and crawl into it out of embarrassment, but then i'm also very very happy =)

second time to www was alright i guess? less excitement, althought that was probably cause there were like, no queues. haha i think maybe queues help to build up impatience so that you feel better when you're finally on the ride? mmmm. but as usual it wasn't what we went to do but what we talked about that made the day special =)

ayeeee. i feel like a bitch and i am probably a bitch. i've never been in this situation before and i can't move either way cause one: i'll feel like a bitch, two: i'll feel like the world is sinking into a bottomless pit. so now i'll just listen to whatever you have to say and let things be.

doesn't it feel weird, to go from one to another? =/

Light Blue

for a whole host of reasons (including my ct recommendation), i'm scared.

thank you for your shoulder today; it just made me more afraid.

Hell

today was the shit

i rly hope jontang helps me with the rec. fkkkkkkkkkkkkk they made things so fking unclear how was i supposed to know.

and you couldn't answer me. so what am i supposed ot do, make do?

what do you do, when things don't make sense anymore?

fuck naviance.

11.11

i wish i knew what went on in your head during our 2.42hours of talk yesterday, when you called me at 12 on the dot. does she make you laugh, the way i do with my silliness?

i wonder if you felt anything today, when you sat next to me in our made-belief unit. do you think of her?

i want to know what lies behind your smile, and if you mean anything when you look right into my eyes. do you gaze at her that way, too?

i have no idea what the hell i am doing, this close to the actual goddamned As. maybe i just like spending time with you.

7 Trains Later

or around there?

stupid optician woman yesterday told me i was going blind in the left eye. alright fine she didn't exactly say that but she took like 15minutes fitting different glass bits into the stupid makeshift specs to test my degree and went away with no conclusion other than the fact that my left eye sucked. i think my dad was trying to console himself on the way back by churning out stuff like 'your eye must be okay since you can see perfectly fine with your contacts' and 'that woman must be inexperienced'. actually i was just pissed that i wasted 2 hours of my life and couldn't get the specs i chose. now i have to go somewhere else and possibly even to see an eye doctor wth i don't want. what if i'm really going blind omg what an un-funny joke.

i'm turning into a vampire. i don't feel like eating and now i can't even sleep at night. thursday night i went to bed at 2 and was damn awake at 3. decided not to waste my time being a tosser on my bed so i got up and started doing chem papers till 6 in the morning when mum came out and got a shock. i should have probably pretended to sleep and let her find me in my bed hurhh, i think she sort of freaked out. but anyway was feeling slow and retarded until around late morning, after which i was just damn energised. it sucks to be insomniac wtf.

i got my college app letter approved now i just need to muster courage to click 'submit'. chenghan was right it's seriously damn exciting haha although i'm still at the paranoid stage like what if i don't include enough information and they don't like that? =(( so i should probably dig out all sorts of shit like my dad's college? rawrrrrrrrrr. but i was damn happy when i saw that many smiley faces in my draft hehe.

went woodlands again today and the people there all said 'long time no see'. came back and played john tucker must die and my sis happily came along to watch =D maybe she's gna turn up to be a bimbo like me and start wearing skirts and pink hahaha.

The path that I'm walkin', I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and Uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine
Valentine

Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers
And share our secret worlds

i need a permanent marker to start drawing the line.

/edit

it is best not to have any expectations or commitment. then you'll never feel disappointed and upset, so you'll never show your displeasure, and you'll never argue. that's when he thinks you're different. but once you seal yourself, you start to feel shortchanged. and that's when he starts finding someone else.

prove that my analysis is wrong.

Tomorrow

you'll know who she it.

i am such a wishful fool; today you sent my silly whims crashing. i should keep you ten metres away, if i could choose not to fall right into you.

i've decided that, since i am in no condition to love, i should wish you well instead.

Get Tipsy

if i can't sleep, should i consider it alcohol abuse?

More Than Words

there's something very wrong with me and chem paper 3. there's no reason why i'm doing so lousily for it. i'm glad i went for today's chem mock test, it was quite a wake up call, albeit a fking sickening one telling me that the 3 practise papers i did had fk shit use.

aye. wow i'm actually censoring my swear words.

i sweared at poh today. i swear some days he just seriously pisses the fking hell out of me. i'll be perfectly happy but all of a sudden something that he says will agitate me so much it takes me 5 seconds to check my words before i give away my less-than-demure side, which includes a range of retaliation from flipping him twice to sending him a serenade of vulgarities to physically punching his smirking face. maybe i could dislodge his nose he might be less cocky with an asymmetrical face.

i felt something today. did you?

maybe i'm stupid to be posting all these up here where anyone can see. maybe i should lock this after all, just like how i locked away everything so that nobody knows who i am anymore.

Chemming

am i thinking too much?

how can it be, when you're saying it all?

i would have happily gone out today, but i resisted (i'm a good girl). i told you my story yesterday; i told you more than i've ever told anyone. i think i nearly made you cry, you should've seen the look in your eyes. i couldn't look at you, but i couldn't stop looking at your smile. i want you to remember only the happy times with me, maybe then it's alright that you don't belong to me.

what's a girl gotta do, when she's met someone like you?

I don't wannabe the girl they call Slut.

my head is experiencing a 9.1 magnitude earthquake right now. any minute now it will split and i will have to clear the mess, but at least i'll finally get some peace.

thankyou
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

The Ugly Truth

"why do you choose?" you asked.
"no, why do YOU choose?" i asked in return.

i let myself imagine, let my imagination run wild. i pretended to be, thought pretention was alright. when you asked how long it took, i crossed my fingers. when you really asked, i was ready to do her jiggle. when i replied no, could you sense that i wanted to crumble, did you realise my smile was plastered?

then you sent, and i grinned like a fool.

but soon, i will tell you that i am not who you think. i make you laugh, because i don't remember the bad when i'm with you. how do i explain to you that I have once loved, gave everything, but ended up with nothing? how do i tell you that i'm broken, and can never be fixed? how do i confess that i'm afraid to love, and afraid to commit? the truth is, i can't. and it hurts, to think the wound has healed only to realise that i can not care, but i can't really forget.

you ruined me. i cried every night for you, and i am exhausted. it seems now that i will always be, no matter how many peaceful nights pass. this hollow, this dull ache has become a permanent haunt that surfaces whenever i let my guard down. cutting you off completely was the only way i could ever stand a chance of fixing myself, even that failed. yet, the worst of it all is that i know i will never find someone like you. and even if i do, you've taught me that even the best is imperfect; even the best can destroy me in ways that the second best can't.

so, why try? why risk the nights of insecurity, the nights when i can't even catch my breath because the cries come in hiccups and animalistic screams? why entrust my moods into somebody else's, so that i am only happy when we are happy? you made me despise, despise the neediness of it all. if i ever grow up to be a man-whore, you're the reason why.

No I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows
Yes it shows
No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there
But then I let you go
And now it's only fair
That I should let you know
What you should know

"I'm not a bitch, I just have a low tolerance for bullshit."

sometimes fb speaks true =)

when you're so very, very exhausted, you promise yourself that you will rest. but ultimately you know that if you ever kept your promise, you'll never even have to make the promise in the first place.

am i a bitch, for doing what i'm about to do tmr? =(

Pretty in White


was googling prom dresses when i suddenly felt an urge to picture myself in some fairytale fluffy frocks, and i happened to chance across this. gorgeoussssssssss hahaha now i'll be quite sad if i never get to wear smth like this (ie never find somebody). i do think i'm scaring away decent guys hahaha but wth who cares =)

a brief scan of my to-do list tells me that yesssss i am good =) finished statement ytd and got bob to read through so since he approves i'm gna ASSUME it's okay hehe and it'd better be since i'm submitting it later today. added some stuff to my resume so now it looks longer x)

i had my mood drop and surge today and it had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with PMS. i wish i could camp in the lib third floor permanently now, although it could do with a nicer view other than the stinking 2nd field.

"heyy jamie! will you be staying here for long?"
"mmm yeah." *sad face* "forever"

HAHA and all i wanted was for her to help me look after my stuff.

i'll safekeep the message until i'm over you.

F1? No, F9.

wasn't listening during phys double block today but was battling bob at chinese ting1 xie3 instead, and that was when i realised that my chinese is dead. like seriously, seriously dead. i would have taken a photo of all the stupid words i wrote if i could, but too bad the phone is attention seeking.

1. 简单和谐动作
bob: I KNOW!
me: wait give chance!!! *1 minute later* 简 got this thing at the top right?
bob: yeah yeah correct! continue!
me *doodles some unidentifiable symbols at the bottom.*
bob: NO LA NOT LIKE THAT
me: AHH FORGET IT. SHIT i don't even know how to write 作!!

2. 我的华语很烂
me: how to write 烂?

3. 降笼十八掌
bob: okay i dno how to write 降笼
me: yayy i know how to write 掌！ =D
bob *takes a look*: THAT'S NOT 掌 la! THAT'S 拿!!

may my mum never find out.

DILEMMA

i don't know what i want to do with my life how am i supposed to choose my courses this is all bullshittttttttttttttttttttttttttttt i tell you. alright at least the app essay came back with an E now all i have to do is to use POSSIBLE ECONOMY to get an A from ksim.

TO-DO LIST:
1. send sat score ASAP YES IT GOT SENT YAYY THANK GOD.
2. tidy up personal statement
3. resume for brianang
4. resume for gabrieltan
5. photocopy certs?

6. start on cornell econs essay
7. apply for edb scholarship
8. source for alternative scholarships (maybe IE?)

omg. should i major in engineering instead of econs =( arts is like, dauntinggg =(

AHA i can major in engineering and still take up edb yayy.

okay maybe i should switch courses? i could ermmm minor in econs.

okay no, can't minor in econs. can like, minor in business =.=

but i can double major in applied physics and econs if i take up arts and sciences! and i'm not rly interested in engineering? ahhh but that's like easier. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh kill me now.

okay. i'll apply for arts and sciences. then if i suck at econs i can take up applied physics. =DDD wokay settled. yes.

Eurghhhh

i screwed up chem. in that one moment of seeing my grade my stomach tightened up and i just wanted to dig a hole to cry haha but i guess i'm trying to laugh it off now. how can so many things go wrong in one single paper 3? if only i had been more confident of electro but no point crying over spilt milk. i've screwed up one math and one physics so it was about time chem back as a shock, although i really didn't expect myself not to scrape it.

5/20 hahaha what a joke.

and i haven't gotten around to my portfolio. what's wrong with me.

you made me feel better today.

Gab's Meme.

1. Where and how did we meet?
i think on 190? hahaha that was so long ago.

2. How long have you known me?
since sec1 actually! =D so that's like 5.75 years heh.

3. The last time we saw/talked/chatted/texted each other?
yesterday on msn =)

4. Your first impression
mugger? hehehe (don't kill me...)

5. What kind of movies do I like?
nth rly in particular right? i think you like chickflicks and action and maybe cartoon but not like horror films?

6. What's my favorite music?
jaychou! and ermmm what's that band with your favourite song... shit i forgot =( but i think you like the chillout, jason mraz-y kind of songs.

7. Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what)?
foodie? =)

8. Am I funny?
yes. except half the time i'm the butt of your jokes.

9. If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be? Explain why you picked it.
once a gabby, always a gabby =)

10. If you and I were stranded on an island alone, how?
BUILD A CANOE AND ROWWWWWWWWWW.

11. Where do you think I will be in 20 years?
i can picture you in a white doctor's coat with your black specs walking to the surgery room.

12. What reminds you of me?
quiches and photosynthesis

13. What is my best attribute?
you're not judgmental =) and personally i love being able to talk to you about anything.

14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
yepp. still haven't told you yet. it's smth about me that'd probably shock the hell out of you.

15. Will you re-post this so I can fill this out for you?
am i considered to be reposting now? =/

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too

What if this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful

No I can't forget this evening
Nor your face as you were leaving

I FINISHED ESSAY DRAFT 2 JOY TO THE WORLD!

although i don't think it's good enough but editing can come tmr. meanwhile, no point spending so much time on it since it might get rejected again =(

shouldn't see myself with you.

Hilarity

there's cause for joy today babehh, i finally got my first ever gp A =D i'm mightily happy hehehe...

i can't seem to get my app essay going though, it's mmm about a third through now although it needs a lot of work. i have a feeling the next time i open it i'll just hate it, so no point writing so much now. if simmm rejects it again i'll cry. i'm out of ideas =(

rawr. i have a hugeeee headache maybe i should sleep? =/

/edit

at this rate i'll never finish mugging for satsII =/

i can't help but wonder what happens if i'm the one on your mind instead. i have 10 reasons to keep my hands off; getting bitch slapped may just top the list. that, and the fact that i can't seem to keep commitments. no point hurting a good guy like you. i think i just deserve trash for the way i am.

/edit

virgin run with sherrie was... memorable? can't believe i met SIDDIQPOH there wtf what kind of shit luck do i have you tell me. although he does seem to be pretty decent about it and haven't told anyone else other than bob, who doesn't count since i've alrd confessed my sin to him heh (plus he was the first person i ran shrieking to when i saw poh)

rawr.

but other than that, maybe i was veryvery tired, but the fun of clubbing is dying out. now that i am finally ALLOWED to enter, it doesn't seem very fun already. ohhh i am so weird but i think 3/4 of the fun lies in crashing rather than the actual dancing. plus singaporeans are either boring shit or ahlian shit. pardon my generalisation; i probably belong somewhat to the latter category haha just more bimbotic rather than liannehhx?

mmmm=)

potluck made me gain back the weight i lost swimming =( rawr. must drop that 1kg hahaha i sound obsessed but although i know it's very unhealthy i can't seem to stop stepping on the weighing skill twice a day. since my tummy is no more but the 1kg remains i conclude very sadly that it probably has already infested itself in my thighs and arms so now i'm flabby all over i feel like a lumpy bar of soap blubber. this is all chee and weiwei's fault. i was much happier and unconcerned before i let their "viviangan is so fat" comments get to my head. rawr. never ever ever call your friends fat.

Her


viviangan♥
14jan91