How does it work?

it's like someone telling me the tooth fairy actually exists, and i have to believe it.

i feel useless. i really need a job before i start feeling like a leech. the only problem is, i don't just want any job. i'm so picky i think i'd never find a job. (otherwise why would i have to resort to starting my own business just to do smth i like?)

If God created all things, who created God?

trying to find God after 18 years and 10 months is like having someone tell me my parents taught me wrongly all along; the colour that i think is green is actually red, the direction i perceive as west is actually east, the taste i call sweet is actually bitter.

everything so commonsensical, so instinctive, so like-duhhhh that i've learnt, i've to throw it out the window. all the concepts, the theories, the logic, gone. usher in the magic, the possibility, the belief. call the apples oranges and the myths facts. call the sun the moon and the science heresy.

the only catch is, there is no explanation for why the new teaching is correct. i just have to accept. honestly speaking, i can believe, but i won't understand why it's possible. (although that is supposed to the case right? God can do all things man deem impossible) i just have to belief that what i'm learning now is correct. and that, is a big, big hurdle.

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION IN TEENS
Sadness or hopelessness Irritability, anger, or hostility Tearfulness or frequent crying Withdrawal from friends and family Loss of interest in activities Changes in eating and sleeping habits Restlessness and agitation Feelings of worthlessness and guilt Lack of enthusiasm and motivation Fatigue or lack of energy Difficulty concentrating Thoughts of death or suicide you tell me =/

The lock on the door has changed.


in 23 hours i'll be turning 19 =( i've been reading magazines like cleo since i was 16/17 and i've always read about the girls they interview on the streets. girls that are 19 or 20. and i've always used to think 'wow, that's so OLD. that seems so far away'. well it's not very far now, and as much as i wna wish it way it'll never happen. i'm all grown up, but other than that i haven't changed much from since i was 9.

i'm still insomniac.

i'm still constipated.

i still wish someone invented chocolate rice.

i still wish i could be barbie, or at least have her wardrobe.

i never take afternoon naps.

i never drink plain water unless there isn't a choice.

i still feel inadequate in social settings.

i still feel inadequate.

Shut Up and DON'T Drive?

i had my birthday dinner today with family + b
i think it wouldn't have been as fun / lively / full of conversation without you dear.

went orchard ytd and saw 10 ppl that we knew?

went church today and saw paul tern and all his friends.

heh.

i'm thinking of how to tell the redwoods ppl that i don't rly wna work at their company. the work hours are insane and you have to stand all day. 8am report to payar lebar and i take 1++ hrs there? morning shifts end at 5.30pm but without warning it can extend to a whole day shift so it ends at 10pm or 11pm?? even sat or sun can be like that wth it's seriously... worse, you have to smile at everyone hurrying along the roads the entire time. i thought i could, but now i realise that if i rly sign up for the job i'll be an emokia by the time uni starts?? no way uh uh.

A Day Late

i can't believe that my life of wearing uniforms is over. i have 8 months left of nothingness in my life, except worries that i won't get into placesi've always dreamt about going. although now i also worry about what will happen if i do get into these places.

i'd have spent my life very differently; whether it's for the better or worse i have no idea. all i know is, someone out there is changing the way my life story is writing, and sometimes i don't really like it because i feel misguided. it's like i was cheated out of what things should be, and given something so fragile i'm ill-equipped to handle. i know i've been a bitch, but it will pass. it has to pass, for i cannot possibly spend the rest of my life submerged in depression, torturing you and me at the same time for reasons i cannot comprehend. sometimes you ask me what's wrong, and i cannot tell you, because i really do not know. how do i explain the sudden wash of nonchalance and dissatisfaction and angst that sets in uncontrollably, over and over again? it's perverse and twisted, as if something wants you to see the worst in me, so that you'll know what i'm talking about when i say that i don't deserve all this.

that aside, am i one of those idiots who believe in making new year resolutions? but top of the list would be to Stop Biting Fingernails. they're finally growing back now that i'm no longer chewing them off when stuck in the exam hall (or maybe it's cause i can paint them now and nail polish tastes disgusting). i must also get a job that pays well so that i can atone for all the retail therapy i've done as a shopaholic beyond redemption. i have other wishes, such as being less bitchy, being a better friend, but all these are impossible to quantify and somewhat pointless to make.



because i can choose to remember how to be happy. help me, wouldn't you?

Her


viviangan♥
14jan91