Thursday, January 13, 2011
@ 3:02:00 AM<3
dear blog,
it's time for me to move to a new place where nobody knows what i'm writing, where i can spill my hearts out completely.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
@ 5:31:00 AM<3
dear blog,
on christmas i met this new guy. he's cute, fit, funny, sweet, hardworking and we have lots in common. it's been two weeks plus since we've known each other, and he tells me he really likes me. the feeling is pretty much mutual, and i feel really blissful when i'm around him. whenever i'm lost and i don't know what i want to do, he's the alternative to meeting my ex. and the thing is, i really look forward to meeting him, so i wouldn't consider it a replacement. perhaps i have a tendency to rush into relationships, but i do see a potential in this one.
we've been going out almost everyday for the past two weeks; i make him laugh, he makes me laugh. i can be retarded and stupid when i'm with him, and he accepts me for all the vulgarities and crudeness that i throw around when we're with our friends. he scolds me for smoking, accompanies me to drink, and sends me home safely afterwards. he used to listen to my rants about my ex, but recently they've died down as i start liking him more and more.
i made him sing out loud with me in the car, hugged him while he was driving, even took him to the balestier bak kut teh place. i did all the things my ex used to do with me, and at first i did it to remind myself of my ex. but today as i held his hand while he was driving, it felt different. i've stopped comparing him to my ex. x was right - my ex had a 7 month head start against other guys, so it wouldn't be fair if i kept comparing. he read his notes in my bed today and yesterday while i read my book, and it felt really cosy and sweet. those were the things i never got to do with my ex, so i guess it's a head start on his part? haha.
dear blog. it does sound all so wonderful and fairytalish doesn't it? there's just one really, really huge problem.
he has a girlfriend.
a two and a half years girlfriend, for that matter. he told me he loves her, yet he's still going out with me. for some strange unfathomable reason, i just can't seem to bring myself to care about that. i love his company, and he makes me forget about my ex (i don't think it's in the rebound sense). s tells me he's just playing with me to 'get into my pants', but i choose not to think so. i don't want to think so, that'd hurt too much. maybe i'm too naive, but i believe this one.
it' almost 6 in the morning. i should get some sleep. i just want somebody there for me, is that too much to ask for?
Saturday, January 1, 2011
@ 5:41:00 PM<3
hello blog.
i'm studying at wcp quiznos now with joy. well, technically speaking i'm reading my notes while she's msning her cute guy and watching movies. unfortunately, i gave up reading math; all the formulae are insane.
i just finished compiling a list of 'clubbing' songs for the upcoming ihg opening ceremony, courtesy of gangyi, who suggested that 'clubbing' songs are less boring than traditional motivation songs. i guess there can only be two scenarios from such a playlist - one, everybody will play along and have fun walking to the music, two, everyone will give the 'what-the-fuck?' face and the whole event will fold. oh well, i'm just following my ic's instructions.
oh, and we have to choreograph a simple dance to open the ceremony. god save me. it's probably going to end up looking damn cheesy and the whole world will just roll around the floor laughing =(
dear blog, it's 2011. sarah, joy and i made a pact never to let a guy break our heart this year; i'll make sure i live up to that. it might also be good to make a resolution on smoking and drinking less, but i don't know how the former will fit in when the exams come around. the latter has become a form of socializing, so it's relatively healthy as we drink in small amounts. ha. the lousy excuses one comes up with when one fails to give up one's vices. well, i'm not going to fret about my health for the time being. as long as my cap miraculously shoots up to 4.8, i don't really care about anything else.
maybe 2011 i'll live my life out as a player. hee hee. but i always end up feeling bad for the guy so danggggg. okay we're gna meet seetow and claire for dinner now so toodles.
Monday, December 27, 2010
@ 6:17:00 PM<3
dear neglected blog,
i've been running around for some time now; running to fill up my time with distractions so i wouldn't have to sit alone and think about him. yet every time i think about a dinner plan or a movie session it just seems like another appointment. no doubt, they are fun when i'm actually out there with the company, but i've always had to drag myself out to meet the 'everyone else'. and i dread the moments when i reach home, knowing it could be 2am and i still wouldn't be able to sleep. of course, there are people around whom i always look forward to meeting. but the problem is that they've probably gotten sick of me reminiscing about him, so i try not to mention him-related topics.
i've resorted to drinking. every night, for the past 3 weeks, such that it almost seems normal. it's not always the heavy-binge-drinking kinds, which he'll scold me for. on nights when i chill out and catch a movie in my room i prefer to do it with a little bit of alcohol, so that i can fall asleep with a little bit of help. i'm not giving myself any excuses for indulging in my vices, (if anything, i'm counting the calories and really hoping to stop the alcohol flow) but bed seems more terrifying when i'm sober.
there are times when i feel so, so, so tired, and all i want to do is to cancel everything. but i think about the alternative and i think "hey, lying in bed reading a book used to be my favourite thing to do but that doesn't exactly sound very appealing either." so i ask myself what i really want to do, and i come up with two very pleasant options. one, i would love to just lie in front of the tv with him and ignore the world, talking about nothing but just being in his company. two, buying tons of sleeping pills and go to sleep for a very long time. now, since option one is completely out of the picture, where can a girl buy sleeping pills?
i'm so tired.
oh, dp has been rather fun. not the cleaning up but performing it is... awesome. and this one dance uses this song which just captured everything that i feel about him. plenty of people say they can't really relate to the song, but i guess that's the beautiful thing about music and lyrics. it's titled "addicted" by kelly clarkson.
It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
@ 3:13:00 PM<3
i regret giving him my v.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
@ 4:33:00 AM<3
i threw out all his flowers from my room, but every night i sleep in a bed that he helped to furnish.
i stuffed his ocs jacket in a corner, but tonight is a cold night that reminds me of how dependent i was on it.
i deleted him on facebook, but even that seems to be taking a leaf from his book.
i erased him from my phone memory, but i can't erase what i used to save his name as from my mind.
i wanted to bin the elephants he won for me, but i decided they were innocent.
now i wish i had, because tonight i'll be relegated to hugging them, crying to sleep.
yet again.
i went shopping with sherrie today, but her worries about alfred just reminds me of what he warned about their relationship.
i'm listening to my canto songs, and i miss the old days when we blasted canto songs on the way back from work.
i played mahjong, but i couldn't stop thinking about him every moment.
i had guys ask me out, but to me they were nothing compared to him.
i had advice given, but i dismissed all of them because i know he isn't the asshole they described him to be.
i should really our holiday photos on facebook, but i can't bring myself to do that.
i wish i could call him, but i wish he would call first.
no i don't.
yes i do.
no i don't.
i made myself vulnerable to him again, one month ago. i was naive enough to believe he would want me back, when all he wanted was some comfort and distraction from his exams. it was stupid of me, to think he could ever see a future with me again.
i'm so tired; i'm scared to sleep.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
@ 3:48:00 AM<3
i just did all the quizzes i could do (which is always almost completed because i always get some answers wrong / cannot do the last few parts. ahh well. at least i think i'm improving?
gonna sleep soon. it's really late and i gotta be up at 8 tmr =((((
just ate a whole lot of old chang kee stuff =( fat fat fat!
i haven't heard from you in ages =(
Sunday, September 5, 2010
@ 4:43:00 AM<3
i'm here now because you say that you still read my blog.
school's been not bad. my days normally start at 12, except for 1 tutorial which is at 9, but that happens fortnightly so it's alright. i went for friday's 8am math lecture for the first time this week on friday, which was retarded because the webcast lecturer is much better. but then again i only went cause i stayed up the whole night on thursday. dozed off a few times in my tutorial class, which i really hope the teacher didn't see.
don't think i'll bother going for that lecture again.
at night i'll usually stay up till about 4. used to go over to the next block but recently i've made friends with the people living below me, and they're really hardworking so i'll probably study with them more often from now on. plus they're like nearly all engineering students so they can help me with my stuff =)
i'm stuck at macs now because it's raining. it's fine cause i'm not sleepy, just that my brain has kinda switched off so i can't even concentrate on reading econs. the friend opposite me is like still doing math, which is pretty crazy (i gave up on that a while ago).
i have a test next sat which i'm quite worried about. stupid engin module which the lecturer always makes it look so simple, but when i do it it's like ??? been trying the past year papers, and they kinda stress me out. i can do a few, which is like ... because what if this year's paper is hard? =(
it's really cold here now because of the rain. i'm wearing your ocs jacket (which totally looks like a dress on me) and it's really warm. thanks darling.
i miss you. i keep thinking about our plans to tour the world together after my five shit years here. do you think we'll try/ be trying it out again by then?
sometimes i think that after you've ignored me for those 2 weeks, i've learnt to get on by without you. the cup emptied, and it doesn't want to be filled again. i don't want to risk hurting that much, ever again. my head tells me i should forget you, and that i don't love you anymore. but every time i see you or get a message from you, i just can't forget all the times we've had, and all the futures we've had. my dad said he didn't throw the blades out, so i can probably dig them out and go blading with you. and i really want to bring you to run the route i ran that day after we broke up, when i was half crying the entire time.
it's so strange that i don't see you much now, when there was those months when we spent almost everyday together. it's even stranger how you forgave me, and how you're willing to try again. you deserve a girl who doesn't make you worry, doesn't make you doubt, doesn't blow your trust.
i'm the selfish one holding you back.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
@ 12:06:00 AM<3
i wonder what wallet you're using now.
i wonder where you are now, and who you're with.
your ocs jacket is very very warm to wear.
the song need you now fits what i feel so well.
i never thought it'd describe me so well.
the dried flowers in hostel reminds me of our anniversaries.
i keep remembering the 'me' when i first met you at oosh, when i wasn't exposed to all those vices.
you met me at a wrong time.
i met you at a wrong time.
i just want to settle down with you now.
i don't need to club or drink anymore.
i can't stand being in my hostel; we shopped for all our things there.
i need you like crazy.
i'm such an idiot for screwing things up.
it hurts a hell lot.
i can't live without you.
i'm so needy i can't stand myself.
did i break your heart, or did you break mine?
i never looked at anybody else, i swear.
but you wouldn't believe me.
i'm facebook stalking you i don't believe it.
i'm looking at all your videos.
it's amazing how you had so much laughter before you met me.
it's amazing how i lived without you.
it's amazing how much two months can mean so much.
i know we can last longer than two months.
but i fucked up real bad.
i'm sorry i hurt you so fucking much.
i miss your smile.
i miss making you laugh.
i miss watching you laugh when i do something silly.
i saved all your nice messages to me.
i don't need to stay in hostel anymore.
i can't look at my new phone without thinking about you.
we went phuket together.
we had so much fun.
i love you so much.
you made me fall in love with you completely even though i thought i couldn't.
i'll never open up again it hurts too much.
i'll never ride in your car again.
i'll never listen to your canto songs again.
i'll never see you smile at me again.
i'll never see you again.
we're so far apart.
i don't want the life that i could have led.
i just want you back.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
@ 10:15:00 PM<3
but He just laughs at my planswhenever i look up at the sky around 7pm, i just feel like plunging myself into that vast blue expanse. i wish i could sky dive into the clouds at the moment when the sun dips over the mountains - the instant when the world is a myraid of red, gold and black. sometimes i want to project myself from the top of buildings and feel the world tear past at me. i want to know how it's like to have my life flash past me. i wonder what i will see, what i will feel? at least for that few seconds it'll be like i'm truly part of the universe, because right now i just feel so confined.i really want to pack my bags, withdraw my savings, and leave. i want to go nepals to see mountains, amazon to see jungles, hawaii to see oceans, and paris to see lovers. i want to learn how to draw so that i can map out the bliss on the faces of two people in love. i wish i could play the piano better so that i can compose melodies for old couples. i really need to fast forward time, so that i can know if i have a happily ever after with you.
i'm so afraid.
play a love ballad play and i will yearn to become part of it - either the spanish guitar that strums those seductive chords, or the lovelorn heroine weeping her heart out. pretence is fun. pretend to be a scorned woman, pretend to be a ditched lover. either way, i love it when i can immerse myself in the song and just embrace what the lyrics spin.
i wonder what happens after we die. do you get to visit your loved ones again? do they put you through hell, forcing you to revisit every wrong decision you made? or is it like what i believe, that we simply lose consciousness for eternity? why do we call those that commit suicide cowardly? selfish, maybe, but it takes a lot of courage to take the plunge. meeting you today made me marvel that you used to want to take your life; you were so conservative and naggy today. why is everyone around me turning so naggy? i'm not complaining about your maturing so don't scold me for not wanting to grow up. please.
i also wonder why i choose to torture myself looking at your photos and reading her posts. some of them make me so scared, you know that? what if one day, i had to be the one to type all that? what if one day, you told me i'm not the one you want to settle down with? what if one day, all my whatifs and insecurities turn you far away? why do you keep her photos in your phone, or find her on facebook? do you know that everytime you call me cute, i think of the fact that you used that very same word to describe her? do you know how shocked i was when you used her pet name to rhyme yesterday?
i'm sorry. it's just that i've given you everything i have, and i'm really afraid. i know the more i cry and the more i whine i'll only be pushing you away further, but i need you to know that beneath the exterior i'm really insecure. i don't need 10 million girls to seduce you, i trust you in that aspect. i just need my one self to make a mistake, for you to change your mind.
after you've read this post, will you just give me a call and laugh at me for being so silly?
