A Day Late

i can't believe that my life of wearing uniforms is over. i have 8 months left of nothingness in my life, except worries that i won't get into placesi've always dreamt about going. although now i also worry about what will happen if i do get into these places.

i'd have spent my life very differently; whether it's for the better or worse i have no idea. all i know is, someone out there is changing the way my life story is writing, and sometimes i don't really like it because i feel misguided. it's like i was cheated out of what things should be, and given something so fragile i'm ill-equipped to handle. i know i've been a bitch, but it will pass. it has to pass, for i cannot possibly spend the rest of my life submerged in depression, torturing you and me at the same time for reasons i cannot comprehend. sometimes you ask me what's wrong, and i cannot tell you, because i really do not know. how do i explain the sudden wash of nonchalance and dissatisfaction and angst that sets in uncontrollably, over and over again? it's perverse and twisted, as if something wants you to see the worst in me, so that you'll know what i'm talking about when i say that i don't deserve all this.

that aside, am i one of those idiots who believe in making new year resolutions? but top of the list would be to Stop Biting Fingernails. they're finally growing back now that i'm no longer chewing them off when stuck in the exam hall (or maybe it's cause i can paint them now and nail polish tastes disgusting). i must also get a job that pays well so that i can atone for all the retail therapy i've done as a shopaholic beyond redemption. i have other wishes, such as being less bitchy, being a better friend, but all these are impossible to quantify and somewhat pointless to make.



because i can choose to remember how to be happy. help me, wouldn't you?

Her


viviangan♥
14jan91