but He just laughs at my plans

whenever i look up at the sky around 7pm, i just feel like plunging myself into that vast blue expanse. i wish i could sky dive into the clouds at the moment when the sun dips over the mountains - the instant when the world is a myraid of red, gold and black. sometimes i want to project myself from the top of buildings and feel the world tear past at me. i want to know how it's like to have my life flash past me. i wonder what i will see, what i will feel? at least for that few seconds it'll be like i'm truly part of the universe, because right now i just feel so confined.

i really want to pack my bags, withdraw my savings, and leave. i want to go nepals to see mountains, amazon to see jungles, hawaii to see oceans, and paris to see lovers. i want to learn how to draw so that i can map out the bliss on the faces of two people in love. i wish i could play the piano better so that i can compose melodies for old couples. i really need to fast forward time, so that i can know if i have a happily ever after with you.

i'm so afraid.

play a love ballad play and i will yearn to become part of it - either the spanish guitar that strums those seductive chords, or the lovelorn heroine weeping her heart out. pretence is fun. pretend to be a scorned woman, pretend to be a ditched lover. either way, i love it when i can immerse myself in the song and just embrace what the lyrics spin.

i wonder what happens after we die. do you get to visit your loved ones again? do they put you through hell, forcing you to revisit every wrong decision you made? or is it like what i believe, that we simply lose consciousness for eternity? why do we call those that commit suicide cowardly? selfish, maybe, but it takes a lot of courage to take the plunge. meeting you today made me marvel that you used to want to take your life; you were so conservative and naggy today. why is everyone around me turning so naggy? i'm not complaining about your maturing so don't scold me for not wanting to grow up. please.

i also wonder why i choose to torture myself looking at your photos and reading her posts. some of them make me so scared, you know that? what if one day, i had to be the one to type all that? what if one day, you told me i'm not the one you want to settle down with? what if one day, all my whatifs and insecurities turn you far away? why do you keep her photos in your phone, or find her on facebook? do you know that everytime you call me cute, i think of the fact that you used that very same word to describe her? do you know how shocked i was when you used her pet name to rhyme yesterday?

i'm sorry. it's just that i've given you everything i have, and i'm really afraid. i know the more i cry and the more i whine i'll only be pushing you away further, but i need you to know that beneath the exterior i'm really insecure. i don't need 10 million girls to seduce you, i trust you in that aspect. i just need my one self to make a mistake, for you to change your mind.

after you've read this post, will you just give me a call and laugh at me for being so silly?

Her


viviangan♥
14jan91