i've been running around for some time now; running to fill up my time with distractions so i wouldn't have to sit alone and think about him. yet every time i think about a dinner plan or a movie session it just seems like another appointment. no doubt, they are fun when i'm actually out there with the company, but i've always had to drag myself out to meet the 'everyone else'. and i dread the moments when i reach home, knowing it could be 2am and i still wouldn't be able to sleep. of course, there are people around whom i always look forward to meeting. but the problem is that they've probably gotten sick of me reminiscing about him, so i try not to mention him-related topics.

i've resorted to drinking. every night, for the past 3 weeks, such that it almost seems normal. it's not always the heavy-binge-drinking kinds, which he'll scold me for. on nights when i chill out and catch a movie in my room i prefer to do it with a little bit of alcohol, so that i can fall asleep with a little bit of help. i'm not giving myself any excuses for indulging in my vices, (if anything, i'm counting the calories and really hoping to stop the alcohol flow) but bed seems more terrifying when i'm sober.

there are times when i feel so, so, so tired, and all i want to do is to cancel everything. but i think about the alternative and i think "hey, lying in bed reading a book used to be my favourite thing to do but that doesn't exactly sound very appealing either." so i ask myself what i really want to do, and i come up with two very pleasant options. one, i would love to just lie in front of the tv with him and ignore the world, talking about nothing but just being in his company. two, buying tons of sleeping pills and go to sleep for a very long time. now, since option one is completely out of the picture, where can a girl buy sleeping pills?

i'm so tired.

oh, dp has been rather fun. not the cleaning up but performing it is... awesome. and this one dance uses this song which just captured everything that i feel about him. plenty of people say they can't really relate to the song, but i guess that's the beautiful thing about music and lyrics. it's titled "addicted" by kelly clarkson.